NATIONAL REPORT GOVERNMENT FRAUD DAY UPDATES

I Like To Think I Do This With Every Substack Post I Make (At Least I Hope I Am!)

-Sometimes it pays to wait. Normally I start drafting these Updates in the morning, but as I ease into my college teaching finals week next week, classes are all in draft modes, so I was not able to get started until late morning – and, Holy Fortuitous Timing, just as I started, out puffed the white smoke from the chimney of the Conclave (framed by two photobombing birds!) that is the universal signal: HABEMUS PAPUM – We Have A New Pope!

-With the new Pope comes a warning … just as anyone who went to school with Jesuits was a bit smug and prideful-to-a-fault over the late Pope Francis being Jesuit, get ready for years if not decades of the same from any Catholic in or around Chicago. Because Robert Cardinal Prevost may have technically been the Archbishop of Boston, and was a bit of a surprise by reportedly winning on the fourth ballot as a compromise candidate, but the newly christened Pope Leo XIV grew up in, was schooled in, and had his first parish assignments in, CHICAGO!

-New Pope Leo, 69, was born in Bronzeville, grew up in the South Side suburb of Dolton, and went to school at St. Mary of the Assumption Church on East 137^th Street on the Far Southeast Side of Chicago. He belongs to the Order of St. Augustine – an order whose mission involves serving and working with immigrants and refugees – and, since it is one of the first questions asked, most recently was very critical on social media of President Trump and El Salvador Dictator Bukele over the joy they took in accepting deportations, and called Presidential Intern JD Vance “Wrong” over Vance’s idea that Jesus would want us to “rank our love for others.”

-The new Pope was reportedly voted in on the fourth ballot as a bit of a compromise candidate, although that is still quite quick as far as Papal conclaves go. He served in Peru for 20 years and was head of the Prefect of Bishops, which may have given him an edge as the conclave moved on. While his views on women in the priesthood seem conservative, his reception, particularly with some LBGTQI journalists, has been generally positive and hopeful, as would be generally hoped for and expected.

-That said, there is a sobering note to his qualifications that the Washington Post and other Catholic news services noted in the run-up to the conclave. Last year, Cardinal Prevost was approached by a group advocating for those who survived sexual abuse in the Catholic Church asking to investigate charges of abuse of two priests under Prevost’s supervision. That request was rejected, which led to a demand to open an investigation into why Prevost refused to do so. While there is no charges of Prevost himself being an abuser, the move was not met positively, and while the overall mood is celebratory – especially in Chicago – let us hope that is the only such issue that emerges and that the issue is resolved justly.

-After all, a Papal choice that has enraged MAGAt royalty like Laura Loomer, Rick Santorum, and the online social media poster known as “Catturd” can’t be all bad … can he?

-Stepping away from the celebratory feel in Chicago (cue all the is-Italian-beef-or-deep-dish-the-new-sacristicial-meal and DAAAAA POPE memes), we go back to Trump 2.0 and yet another rack of stink and bad …

-Start with Trump puffery that started last night about a “major” trade deal with a “major” trading partner – about time, although Trump and his lapdogs keps claiming they were negotiating with “200” countries (there are only 195 countries on Earth right now) after the MAGAGOPTrump tariff assessments. But, turns out surprise surprise, the announcement was a dud. The country was Great Britain, who already has a trade surplus with the U.S. The agreement is mythic – both sides says talks are “ongoing” with the ever-present two-week window for “finishing” the deal. And the 10% tariffs assessed on British goods are still online. So the only thing preventing this latest embarrassment to the front of the news is the new Pope – a rare break for the ever-sundowning 47^th President.

-The scuffling continues in his personnel as well. His just-appointed head of FEMA, Cameron Hamilton, was fired because Hamilton testified to Congress that he did not think FEMA should be dismantled – which, of course, goes totally against Trump’s wishes to appoint incompetent people to destroy agencies they are given to “run.” Trump also withdrew Ed Martin to be the Chief Federal Prosecutor in Washington, DC after GOP Senator Thom Tillis withdrew his support – a rare rebuke from someone in his own party. (But be careful about this, because THIS JUST IN: the new rumored lead for the appointment will be Fox host and known lush Jeanne Pirro.)

-And in the House, MAGA continues to struggle to assemble the budget bill, which Trump has insisted should now literally be called “The One Big, Beautiful Bill.” That bill, which would lock in Trump’s massive tax giveaways to the Musks and Thiels and other buddies at the expense of Medicaid and most social service-ish departments and is already WILDLY disliked without most of the cuts having even been made, is seeing balking from GOP members in swing districts that are seeing their polling sinking at breakneck speed – to the point where there are whispers of killing the bill to then try to cut a deal with Democrats (and remember, only 5-6 need to do that). Whether this happens remains to be seen, but the prospects of a massive budget bill – even with a mere majority being needed – is looking dicey.

-So what can Trump and MAGA do? Well, there is one area that they seem oddly adept at trying to do: renaming international bodies of water. While the House can’t pass budgets, this morning possible Senate candidate and MAGA Leader Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Z-Q-R) won the biggest legislative feather in the cap of her career by getting her majority to pass “officially” renaming the Gulf of Mexico to something I’m not even going to bother to mention because it’s the Gulf of Mexico, you loon. That passage came after Trump announced his intention to go to the opposite side of the globe and propose the Persian Gulf be renamed “the Arabian Gulf.” Trump has zero power to do either, and his Distraction Machine is desperately being revved up to divert attention from real problems.

-These real problems go into other foreign relations issues. The building military tensions between India and Pakistan erupted earlier this week when India bombed Pakistani positions in an alleged retaliation for a terrorist attack in India – and Pakistan responded with claims they shot down two Indian fighter jets in response. These are two longstanding enemies with nuclear weapons, and unlike Joe Biden (who managed to keep the countries at bay from each other to at least try to find a settlement), but as you can guess, that’s not happening with Trump, so we hold our breath looking to that part of the world and may need to do so for the foreseeable future …

-Besides, we’re on it! In testimony before Congress this week, National Security Advisor Tulsi Gabbard announced new surveillance and intelligence was being built to keep up … to date … on … ah … (checks notes) … I’m sorry, Gabbard didn’t say she was gathering intel on India or Pakistan – she said she is now gathering intelligence on … (checks notes) … (checks notes again) … GREENLAND.

-(Slams head on desk repeatedly.)

-Anyhoozie, we mentioned how the new Pope has a history of being pro-immigration. Trump, as we all know, is … not. Amid court orders trying to halt moving prisoners anywhere without due process or moving them to a labor camp, a report that Trump is now considering sending prisoners (for a fee) to Libya is presenting newer issues. Besides the distance, Amnesty International issued a profoundly frightening report on the Libyan prisons that may be extradited to are swimming with abuse and corruption, and judges appear to be on standby to try to stop these deportations before they really begin.

-But Trump, you should be reminded by Trump, is very respectful of our troops and very looking forward to honoring veterans. So much so that this week, the Very Stable GEniUz came up with a brainstorm: how about two holidays for our soldiers? One DAY could be set aside to celebrate our VETERANS, while another DAY could be set aside to MEMORIALize them with simple holidays! BRILLIANT – and all thought of by Mr. BestWords. (Or so he needs to have his followers believe, anyway …)

-We will have plenty to say on other issues – the Trump crypto story is metastasizing, plans for the next set of No Kings! Rallies are building, summer movie season is officially almost here! – but as I look for the remix of Pope Leo walking out to the Alan Parsons Project’s “Sirius/Eye in the Sky” and revel in Civic and Catholic Pride (and THIS JUST IN: contradicting earlier reports, the new Pope’s brother is actually a Chicago White Sox fan, which is good because they need all the prayers they can get – AM I WRONG?), I will wrap today’s update unless something bigger pops between now and then.

-MORE history, shall we?

-NEWS ON THIS DATE: In 1919, Armistice Day was proposed as a national hoiday. In 1945, World War II ended in Europe. In 1980, the World Health Organization announced smallpox had been eradicated. In 1963, DR. NO and James Bond opened in the United States. In 1984, the Soviet Union announced a boycott of the Los Angeles Olympics. In 1999, Nancy Mace graduated The Citadel – the first woman to do so. In 2010, Betty White became the oldest guest host of SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

-DEBUTS ON THIS DATE: The Mexican-American War (1846), The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show (1877), Coca-Cola (1886), Paramount Pictures (1912), A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM (1962), LET IT BE (1970).

-HAPPY BIRTHDAY: Edward Gibbon, Oscar Hammerstein, Harry Truman, Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, Roberto Rossellini. Robert Johnson, Saul Bass, Sir David Attenborough, Don Rickles, Theodore Sorenson, Miyoshi Umecki, Doug Atkins, James R. Thompson, Mike Cuellar, Thomas Pynchon, Toni Tennille, Ricky Nelson, Peter Benchley, Gary Glitter, Keith Jarrett, Chris Frantz, Mike D’Antoni, Philip Bailey, Beth Henley, Alex Van Halen, Billy Burnette, David Keith, Stephen Furst, Lovie Smith, Ronnie Lott, Bill de Blasio, Melissa Gilbert, Korey Stringer, Enrique Iglesias, Kevin Stefanski, and Kemba Walker.

-REST IN PEACE/REST IN POWER: King Kamehameha I, John Stuart Mill, Gustave Flaubert, Paul Gauguin, Norman Bel Geddes, Elmer Rice, Gilles Villeneuve, Pam Ewing, Robert A. Heinlein, George Peppard, Steven Keats, Garth Williams, Bebe Rebozo, Dana Plato, Dirk Bogarde, Eddy Arnold, Dom DiMaggio, Maurice Sendak, William Schallert, George Deukmejian, Jim Fowler, Bo Obama, Helmut Jahn, Pete DuPont IV, Fred Ward, Joe Kapp, and Rita Lee.

-FEED THE WORMS: Hateful suck-filled Cleveland football sellout and former Pittsburgh Steeler Head Coach Bill Cowher entered Earth on this date.

-TODAY’S MUSIC INTERLUDE: Filmed on this date in 1965.