NATIONAL PERIODIC TABLE DAY UPDATES
“These are the only ones of which the news has come from Harvard / And there may be many others but they haven’t been dis-caa-vaard!” – Tom Lehrer
-There was a huge sigh of relief heard for those who believe in truth and justice when the three-judge DC Appellate panel unanimously took Ex-President Trump XCI’s claims of Presidential immunity from everything he has ever done before, during, and after being President and saying, uh … no. And pretty much every sane legal observer believes that the ruling is so strong that not even THIS Supreme Court – which itself has pushed back on multiple Trump attempts to get away with everything – will not rule in his favor. But does that mean we are out of the woods on the case yet? Not quite, as Trump can and absolutely will appeal the case to SCOTUS, which he must do by this Monday. So what could happen next?
-In The Best Case for Trump, SCOTUS agrees to hear the case but does not schedule it until the next term, which starts in October – and further rules the case Trump’s appeal is based on (the DC case charging Trump with instigating the January 6, 2021 insurrection) cannot begin until SCOTUS rules. Then just as SCOTUS is ready to rule on the case, Trump re-assumes power in January 2025, makes himself God President of MAGAmerica, and arrests all prosecutors and judges working on his hearings to be tried and punished in a tribunal from the Re-Orientation Camps led by Supreme Trump Justice Aileen Cannon.
-In The Best Case for All That Is Good, SCOTUS simply looks at the 57-page ruling and says, “Yep! Pretty much!” They decline to even hear the appeal and let the world know by the end of next week, locking in the opinion as precedent for future wannabe ‘Murican strongpeople. That gives the green light for Judge Tanya Chutkan to kick start the trial, likely setting a trial date sometime in late April – early May, which in turn would likely make the verdict come down in July, just in time for the Republican National Clown Show – er, Convention.
-Which leaves The Most Likely Outcome: SCOTUS decides it wants to put a stamp on the case but also respects the need to get the case done ASAP for SCOTUS, which would likely mean oral arguments by early March, a ruling by early April/May (again, almost certain to go against Trump), and the case to then be able to begin in August (which would mean Chutkan would have to cancel a long-planned European trip, which she has indicated she would do) and verdicts likely to come down in the not-at-all-busy-during-an-election-year month of October.
-And as if all THAT wasn’t enough, we ALSO have the SCOTUS hearing on whether Trump can be on the ballot at all TOMORROW! The case, based on Colorado’s decision to use the 14th Amendment to ban Trump from the ballot, will be heard (and audio streamed) tomorrow. As with the immunity case, the filings Trump has given to the Court have been derided as ridiculous by many experts – but, given the hard-right radicalism of SCOTUS, the feeling is they will somehow find a way to weasel around the insurrection thing to allow Trump to stay on the ballot in November. Betting on that case may be as furious as Super Bowl betting in some circles …
-Has anyone done a wellness check on House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-Jay-EE-Zuz!, LA)? When last seen, Johnson was literally high-tailing it out of Capitol Hill after a one-two pounding of hilariously humiliating votes that was so brutal it left some MAGAts pining for former Speaker Kevin McCarthy. The MAGAt House failed to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, which was to be their main action on border security after rejecting (on Trump’s demand) the border security bill that contained virtually all the draconian elements of “controlling” the border they themselves were demanding, miscounting the votes and not realizing Democratic Congressman Al Green (TX) would return from a hospital bed – in surgical scrubs - to vote against impeachment.
-THIS JUST IN: Johnson said in a presser this morning that the Mayorkas vote was scheduled on the specific presumption that Green would NOT be available for the vote because of his surgery, not realizing or knowing that Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries and Green made sure he WAS going to be available for the vote. (Baller moves, gentlemen!) And because Johnson then saw another rake to jump on and HAD to do it, he then called a bill for funding for Israel – and THAT vote failed, too (THWONK!).
-Johnson claims the Mayorkas impeachment isn’t over, and will at least entertain a potential bill for funding for Israel and Ukraine (SLAVA UKRAINI!) that Senate Leader Schumer is likely to introduce after GOP Senators snuffed out the border security bill. Hope Johnson’s son isn’t too busy with all the porn his dad may be pounding after everything that happened yesterday …
-Know who else had a really bad day? Marjorie Taylor Greene (Z-Q-R, GA)! Seems that the MAGA Leader was all set to be the face of the Mayorkas impeachment as one of its would-be impeachment managers, and she felt empowered enough to hop in front of a podium and demand she NOT be called an insurrectionist how DAARE YEEW! She then got salty with nemesis Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD), who did not appreciate his asking if she needed something to be explained to her (fact check: Marge always needs to have things explained to her), and then at the end of the day shared in the humiliation of Johnson having his johnson hung out to dry.
-Sad, huh?
-As for Biden, he promised to hang the failure to pass border security – and any claims of an open border – right on Trump’s neck folds. This will be easier since Trump is trumpeting the fact that he is holding the still-warm weapon that killed the border security bill and literally saying “I, DONALD TRUMP, KILLED THE BORDER SECURITY BILL!”, assuming Trump is not gargling words and phrases. And, given that in an interview yesterday he talked about how Trump’s “supply change” were strong compared to (what we presume is) Biden’s “supply CHAINS,” call us skeptical.
-At least Trump had a decent day in the GOP Republican primary. Even though it was non-binding, Trump got to laugh as Nevada voters decided to select “None of the candidates” as its number one vote-getter in their primary – with Nikki Haley second. Now, to be fair, Haley did not campaign in NV, and a caucus she is not participating in will take place later this week where Trump will win since the caucus was created at his behest. It’s good to be the God King President! (Biden, by the way, won the Democratic primary with another 90% showing, leaving “None of the candidates” second, and actual sorta-candidates Marianne Williamson and that other guy bringing up the rear.
-DEAN PHILLIPS! That’s the other guy!
-We close with Sports Streaming News, because you don’t have enough streaming services in your life. Or at least that’s what ESPN, Fox, and Warner Brothers/Discovery believe, as yesterday they announced they will create a more-or-less sports exclusive service (wait, isn’t that Fubo?) that will launch in October. The service would cover and broadcast every major mens and womens sports leagues, the NCAA tournaments, NASCAR and Formula One racing, and golf among its offerings, and would be able to be bundled with some of the other main streaming services such as Hulu and YouTubePlus. Keep those remotes charged!
-On this date in 1964, the Beatles landed in the United States, poised to take over the country. On this date in 1984, the first untethered space walk took place. On this date in 1985, “New York, New York” became the official song of New York City (as sung by Frank Sinatra). On this date in 2013, Mississippi became the last American state to ban slavery.
-Premieres On This Date: The first plea bargain (1871), PINNOCHIO (1940), BLAZING SADDLES (1974), the European Union (1992).
-Happy Birthday to Sir Thomas More, John Deere, Charles Dickens, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Alfred Adler, Sinclair Lewis, Eubie Blake, Buster Crabbe, Gloria Talbott, Gay Talese, King Curtis, Herb Kohl, Pete Postlethwaite, Burt Hooten, John Hickenlooper, Dan Quisenberry, Miguel Ferrer, Emo Phillips, James Spader, Steve Bronski, David Bryan, Eddie Izzard, Garth Brooks, Chris Rock, Juwann Howard, J. Dilla, Steve Nash, Jon Leicester, and Matthew Stafford.
-Rest in Peace/Rest in Power to Adolphe Sax, Harvey Firestone, Guitar Slim, Napoleon Lajoie, Bobby Troup, Doug Henning, Anne Morrow Lindberg, Dale Evans, Blossom Dearie, Billy Casper, Dean Smith, Richard Hatch, Albert Finney, Frank Robinson, John Dingell, and Orson Bean.
-Feed the Worms: Josef Mengele drowned to Hell on this date.
-Entrepreneur, Actor, and occasional cover-upperer-for-former-castmates-turned-convicted-rapists Ashton Kutcher was born on this date. You decide if he gets a Happy Birthday or if he Feeds the Worms.