NATIONAL FUN AT WORK DAY UPDATES

Let It Involve More Than Donuts and Pizza - but ALSO Donuts and Pizza!

-We begin with a focus on the Mexico/Texas border, where Republicans and MAGAts are going out of their way to out-GOP/MAGA themselves ...

-In DC, Senate Minority Leader McConnell announced that "the politics have changed" and in the process roiled the GOP caucus as he now announced that there was less support for the bipartisan-negotiated-over-months border security bill just as the bill was taking final shape. The reason? An order from Dear Leader Ex-President Trump XCI to not cut any deal to solve the immigration problems with President Biden - in order for Trump to be able to argue that Biden is not doing anything about the border and lie about the never-existent "WAHHHL" that Trump insists he built and will build again (because please, you expect consistency?).

-(Blocking this bill also allows a secondary Trump/MAGA 'benefit': pleasing his BFF Vladimir Putin by also blocking more aid to Ukraine (SLAVA UKRAINI!), which Republicans insisted on linking with the now-endangered border bill and which is now again endangered.)

-As if that wasn't bad enough, in Texas, their monstrous Governor, Greg Abbott, proclaimed in his Dr. Strangelove-esque twang from his wheelchair, that he will not only refuse to enforce the Supreme Court ruling that ordered the state to remove razor wire from floats in the Rio Grande River after the deaths of two children and their mother - he would deploy the Texas National Guard to prevent national troops from doing so and to "enforce the border" (which for Abbott consists of shipping immigrants to Northern cities often wearing nothing but flip-flops).

-Think that's bad enough? Gird your loins ...

-Trump used a social media post to support Abbott's position (because if there's one thing Trump does have a talent for, it is doing things in the most insurrectionist way possible) to "order" that other National Guardspeople nationally should go to Texas to defy SCOTUS and support Abbott - and 15 GOP Governors, including the recently defeated-and-gelded Ron DeSantis, promised to do so. No word on whether troops are actually moving towards Texas, but given that Texas authorities are now under grand jury investigation for their cowardly refusal to stop a mass shooter from slaughtering 21 Robb Elementary School students and teachers in the TX town of Uvalde, they might need it for fear of losing ...

-In another fight, Trump continued his not-at-all-sexist-rage towards GOP Presidential candidate Nikki Haley by declaring that he "DOES NOT NEED!" Haley's financial supporters or voters, and vowed to purge the GOPMAGA Party of apostates who do not compliment his giant hands and sex parts (though Trump magnanimously 'asked' the Republican National Committee NOT to pass a resolution which would have essentially ended the primaries and declare Trump their Lord and Savior) (somewhat paraphrased). Haley for her part vows to continue to campaign in her home state of SC despite now long odds - and will do so with at least $2.6 million more in her coffers that have come after Trump's not-at-ALL-sexist-RAGE directed towards Haley.

-The rage directed at Haley by Trump should not be confused with the actually-nothing-BUT-sexist-rage that Trump directs on a regular basis towards E. Jean Carroll, whose second damages trial is expected to go to the jury this afternoon - and THIS JUST IN: Trump walks out of the courtroom as Carroll's attorney began their closing statements after being admonished for being late to the proceedings, and Judge Kaplan noting "for the record" Trump's exit. Bets are being placed at how high the potential fine will be, with some hoping Trump Tower itself may theoretically be needed to be sold for Trump to pay a fine (though of course Team Trump will continue to defy the courts, and potentially look at a third defamation trial, which Carroll and her attorneys will be more than happy to file).

-We turn to sportsball news, and if you thought you could get a little Trump respite with talk of Taylor Swift ... sorry. Swift, who is an Enemy to MAGA because of her vocal support of President Biden, ability to bring younger voters to the polls (a November post asking for Swifties to register resulted in a 35,000-vote registration spike), and dating of a guy (Travis Kelce - but you KNEW that, I know!) who has a TV ad promoting the Covid vaccine, has been receiving a litany of criticism from numerous right-wing commentators and trolls (including insurrectionist Charlie "Can I Be Even More Repellent To Women Than Ben Shapiro? LET ME TRY!" Kirk), leading this week to a series of deep fake and AI-generated images superimposing Swift's likeness in numerous pornographic photos and situations on the garbage heap social media site run by billionaire ass Elon Musk. Musk for his part has apparently not knocked off those images in his bid to reimagine the site, attempting to turn it into some kind of new right-wing multimedia network featuring people like Jim Rome, Candace Owens, Tulsi Gabbard, and Don Lemon (yeah, THAT Don Lemon).

-But I like to end updates on a positive note, and there is one involving Taylor. You see, another content creator on X, a frozen fish heir and failed talk show host named Tucker Carlson, has announced to whoever are his fans these days, that if Taylor's favorite team, the Kansas City Chiefs, defeat the vile criminal stolen flying-rat franchise in Baltimore to go to the Super Bowl, Tuckums will ... let me get this quote exactly right ... "kill myself."

-GO CHIEFS GO!!!!!!!!

-(This Substack does NOT advocate self-harm in any way, shape, or form ... though we can note it should it actually happen, and we doubt Tuck will do it even if the Chiefs win.)

-On this date in 1788, a ship of British convicts landed in what they intended to turn into a prison colony: the continent of Australia. On this date in 1939, Spain fell to Generalissimo Francisco Franco (who was clearly not dead when it happened). On this date in 1950, India became an independent country. On this date in 1954, ground was broken on Disneyland in CA. On this date in 1986, Chicago went into ecstasy as Daaaaa Bears stomped New England 46-10 to win Super Bowl XX. And on this date in 1998, President Bill Clinton declared he "did not have sexual relations with that woman," Monica Lewinsky. (He did.)

-Notable openings: COSI FAN TUTTE (1790), Rugby as an organized sport (1871), THE DUKES OF HAZZARD (1979), THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (Musical, 1988).

-Happy Birthday to Douglas MacArthur, Bindo Maserati, Sean MacBride, Maria Augusta von Trapp, Stephane Grappelli, Akio Morita, Paul Newman, Roger Vadim, Jules Feiffer, Bob Uecker, Harold Lederman, Scott Glenn, Angela Davis, Gene Siskel, David Strathairn, Lucinda Williams, Eddie Van Halen, Anita Baker, Ellen DeGeneres, Wayne Gretzky, Andrew Ridgeley, Jose Mourinho, Susannah and Wendy Melvoin, Vince Carter, and the Suleman octuplets.

-Rest in Peace/Rest in Power to Edward Jenner, William Wrigley Jr., Lucky Luciano, Edward G. Robinson, Nelson Rockefeller, Paul "Bear" Bryant, Jose Ferrer, Al McGuire, Abe Vigoda, Barbara Hale, Mike Connors, Michel Legrand, Kobe Bryant, and Billy Packer. (PLEASE NOTE: In an earlier version of this post, half this list was inadvertently listed under the FEED THE WORMS section. That was a catastrophic error on the writer’s part. Deep apologies!)

-Feed the Worms: Mobster Frank Costello, Watergate burglar James McCord, and Romanian dictator Nikolai Ceausescu entered Earth on this date.

-The shortest-termed Speaker in U.S. House history so far, Kevin McCarthy, was born on this date. You decide if he gets a Happy Birthday or if he Feeds the Worms.