NATIONAL FITNESS RECOVERY DAY UPDATES
You're Not Sleeping In or Watching TV Because You're Lazy - Your Body Is Telling You That It Needs The Rest! (You're welcome!)
-This past Thursday's Update was taken for some domestic chores, celebrating the actual start of the baseball season, and because we all need a rest now and again from ... (gestures wildly). Because if there's one thing we all sure as Hell know, the world will roll on anyway, as will this regime. So, ON WITH TODAY’S JAM-PACKED UPDATE!
-When we last left Team Trump, his Foreign Policy Xpertz were swimming in the revelations that they used the commercially-available messaging software app Signal to plot and execute a bombing run in Yemen - and, because with these guys everything is possible, the scandal got worse.
-For one thing, claims that there were no operational details in the messages that should have automatically made officials use actual military-level secure systems were revealed to be bunk after Atlantic reporter Jeffrey Goldberg got fed up with being called liars by Trump and others on the call as if HE was at fault and made the messages public - and, in turn, at least one family member who piloted one of the planes that carried out the attack rightfully pointed out that spreading that information on publicly-available apps COULD GET AMERICAN TROOPS KILLED, YA DUMBASSES ...
-For another thing, a number of the participants in the string were discovered to have been using their own personal phones while debating and then approving and then grotesquely high-fiving and praying-hands-emoji-ing themselves over the attacks (with gratuitous whacks at European nations and even Dear Leader a little bit), which in turn allowed the German paper Der Spiegel to find the personal phone numbers of the American officials at the center of the mess and publish them (because why the Hell not?!).
-For still another thing, there is a subset of the Signal scandal that can now be labeled That DumbF*ck Pete Hegseth that should be summarized, starting with the aforementioned revelation of personal phone numbers being revealed - as it was also reported (but not yet fully confirmed) that one phone number attached to Drunky McHoneypotAnyone? was reportedly traced to a burner phone Hegseth apparently had with some kind of Russian origin attached to it. From there, enough Pentagon sources were so ticked off (see AMERICAN TROOPS KILLED, YA DUMBASSES) they started to spill what we assume is tea and not brown liquor, revealing that Hegseth's brother is on the payroll in the Department of Defense doing something (maybe scrubbing the history of military heroes of color and women? who can say?) and that Hegseth's current wife has been traveling with Petey, reportedly also being in on what should be classified calls on the public dime for reasons wildly speculative - like a shield to prevent reporters asking Hegseth about his long history of infidelity and reported abuse of women or other, um, protections (see "Drunky McHoneypot Anyone?"). The uptick is that ol' Pete is not liked or respected very much over there. Stunning, innit?
-And one final thing to the Signal scandal is the question of who was NOT on that string - namely, anyone connected to the Joint Chiefs of Staff who would normally be on the planning of military actions (since that's their thing), and the guy who sadly was actually elected President, who as the Commander-in-Chief is supposed to sign off on any kind of military action. It is not clear if that ever happened, and it is vastly clear that Trump knows absolutely nothing about this specific scandal - or even what Signal itself is - when asked. It has raised the question of who is actually in charge and who is assuming authority to order military strikes.
-Okay, okay, sorry, one FINAL final thing about the Signal scandal, which is why the Putz Parade would use Signal for anything, particularly as White House and Department of Defense protocols specifically tell anyone in the Government NOT to use Signal. The answers, it is speculated, involve the combination of the app having okay security (unless you're using it around other international intelligence agencies) and the ability to delete messages after the discussions are completed. It is a crime (for those of us who still care about such things) to delete official messages, so having off-book conversations that can be evaporated are super-handy if one wants to have conversations about planning all sorts of things governments generally do not do ... not to mention begging the question of who else in the White House may be using Signal or Signal-adjacent software to plan God knows what ...
-With that sobering note, we turn to another horror that broke over the last few days: the arrest of Tufts University graduate student and Fulbright Scholar Rümeysa Öztürk, a Turkish woman who, in a widely-circulated security video, was approached by ICE agents dressed in plain clothes and wearing masks before being taken off the streets of Boston and is reportedly now in a Louisiana facility despite a court order that should have, at a minimum, kept her near Boston.
-The only thing mentioned as a reason for Öztürk's arrest by the Department of Homeland Security was having her name appear on an editorial co-written by three other (unarrested) students asking that Tufts "acknowledge the Palestinian genocide," which is apparently being interpreted as being supportive of HAMAS, as well as a still-unsubstantiated claim that Öztürk's visa was terminated.
- Öztürk is the second high-profile university student arrested on claims of supporting HAMAS, in addition to still-incarcerated Columbia University student Mahmoud Khalil - and over the weekend, a third student at the University of Minnesota (not publicly identified) was also arrested while in her dorm room, with the Department of Immigration staying silent as to why that student was arrested. It seems clear that a pattern is emerging involving deportations focusing on foreign students in prominent universities (Boston being the hub of several prominent research institutions, Minnesota being the home of Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Tim Walz, who has been touring red states and attracting large crowds to discuss his criticism of Trump) - and that is a change from the original strategy touted by alleged Immigration chief Tom Homan, who blustered about going into large cities to drag off immigrants on live streams but who has not been able to deliver either the numbers or the show Trump and Stephen Miller have demanded.
-This is speculation, but if this shift is real, then someone else may be giving Trump and Miller their show ... and that someone, based on publicly-available evidence, appears to be Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem. Noem has been enthusiastically putting on a public face to various raids, happily being shown wearing full ICE uniforms and firing weapons, all while making sure her waist-length hair is styled just so out from under well-chosen baseball caps (and reportedly spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on such looks and travel according to reports out of whichever Dakota she was the Governor of), and she has been the spokesperson of a reported $200 million ad campaign in which she demands "illegals" to "self-deport" before ICE extracts them from the United States.
-That effort reached some kind of zenith when Noem dropped a video in which she traveled to the El Salvador super-max security prison where 200 alleged Venezuelan street gang members were sent to and stood in front of dozens of underwear-clad heavily-tattooed prisoners (none of whom, according to CBS News, were the 200 but were reportedly Salvadoran gang members) posed unmistakably to echo prisoners in consecration camps from the 1940s. There, Noem - wearing an outfit estimated to be worth several thousands of dollars and wearing a Rolex watch estimated at $60,000 by itself - bragged about her work with ICE and clearly using the iconography to threaten anyone she and ICE believe are not worthy of being in America.
-Recall that Noem was once believed to be a favorite to be picked by Trump to be Vice President, only to have political operatives scared off her after she openly told the story of shooting and killing a puppy and baby goat because of some unclear transgressions. That story clearly stuck with Trump (and maybe Miller as well), and with the moves being made by ICE and Noem this week, (STANDS ON SOAPBOX) it seems as if there may be a new person in charge of these efforts, and that Noem will be formidable as fights to stop them from abusing the power or expanding that abusive power continue in the days and weeks to come. (STEPS OFF SOAPBOX)
-Let's talk about the now-clearly-building efforts to fight back the regime, whose policies are now pretty clearly primarily about carrying out the perceived vengeance of Trump. We still have elections, and as was also true in 2017, the first wave of post-Trump elections have not gone well for Trump and whatever is left of the old GOP. A number of state races have went against Trump, including a PA race where a Democrat running in a +40% GOP district just won a seat for the first time EVER. Yesterday in Louisiana, four MAGA-inspired changes to that state's Constitution (from election dates to tax revisions and from disciplining out-of-state lawyers to trying under-17-year-olds as adults) all went down to surprising defeat.
-Heading into Tuesday, the major election of the first few months of 2025 - the Wisconsin Supreme Court battle between Democrat Susan Crawford and Trump/Elon Musk Fanboy Brad Schimel Schlamazzel Hossenfeffer Incorporated - ends on Tuesday, with the most recent polling favoring Crawford in a state where razor-thin margins are the norm of the day (so if you are from the Badger State or remember other elections, IT AIN’T OVER UNTIL IT’S OVER - VOTE VOTE VOTE!!)
-And two special House elections in Florida in what are normally ruby-red MAGAt districts (one involving the seat formally held by current Signal co-string-participant Mike Waltz and the other by degenerate creep Matt Gaetz) are polling so shockingly close it prompted Trump to pull the plug on the United Nations Ambassador nomination of Elise Stefanik, whose seat would have been up for grabs in New York (and has added bonuses for Trump of both scraping his wee tiny and oddly-shaped-to-ALLEGEDLY-stop-him-from-falling over shoes off on the UN, and to humiliate Stefanik for being foolish enough to ruin her once-budding career for Dear Leader, which he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS does).
-The FL elections will be devastating for MAGA if they even wind up in single-digit MAGA wins, much less actual Democratic upsets - but with a three-vote House margin where a budget will need to be passed despite Trump's attempt to rule by proclamation and continuing fury being directed at MAGA reps in town halls (the latest in IN, where pro-Putin Ukrainian immigrant Victoria Spatz bore the brunt of her district's fury, HAHA!) showing they may not be able to assume discipline on those votes after all, any shift in power still means something.
-Beyond the voting, street protests and boycotts continue to build across the nation despite the lack of coverage from Legacy Media, Inc., and the perception that 2025 seems much quieter than 2017, which did start with millions protesting Trump across the nation and the world the day after the first inauguration. In fact, in an article co-written by researcher Erica Chenoweth (the same woman whose formula says 3.5% of a population non-violently protesting a despot usually means the overturning of said despot and replacement with solid small-d democratic reforms) published in The Guardian, over 2,000 protests had already taken place across the United States in February of 2025 - more than twice as many as had taken place in 2017.
-Those then do not count this past weekend's protests at hundreds of Tesla showrooms, where thousands more continued to drive down Tesla stock and make the brand toxic worldwide - a drive that appears to be succeeding, along with a banger of a chant: “WE DON’T WANT YOUR SWASTI-CARS - TAKE A SOLO TRIP TO MARS!” (Next up: national protests next Saturday - more on those later in the week!)
-Succeeding so much that the Apparent President continues to mope and pout about it all on sympathetic media outlets. Apartheid Boy whined about being specifically called out by Tim Walz because Walz was being mean, calling Walz "a jerk!" (neener neener, Coach!) before sniffling, "... the stock price had gone in half ... Like, who derives joy from that?" (Who wants to tell him?)
-In an effort to try to stave off the financiers, on Friday Musk used stock from his AI company (the company he is so confident in he tried to buy OpenAI last month) to purchase the rapidly-dwindling stock of another company he ran into the ground, the garbage scow social media site formerly known as Twitter - and all of it is heavily leveraged with the still-plunging Tesla stock. This may be why Musk was filmed at Mar-a-Lago spacily creating an "airplane" made of silverware at dinner, and why rumors are now circulating that "he" will end whatever he's doing with and to and on the government by May.
-Tick-tock, and pop some popcorn and play Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'" as we watch Tesla do its thing!
-I know I'm going long, but I missed Thursday, and there ain't no way I'm getting to the fun trivia of the day without our latest chapter of Petty Indignities, today featuring America's least favorite Funko doll, JD Vance, and his No Good Very Bad Super-Humiliating Week in Greenland!
-It all started last weekend when Vance's complicit despite being married wife Usha announcing a goodwill trip to that country, which is an apparent object of Dear Leader's eye for still unclear reasons (although if you want a possible reason tied to his buddy Musk, look up "The Technate," a fantasy dystopian vision of engineers running society with uneducated slave labor that was born in the 1930s in which Greenland and electronic money not unlike Crypto plays a central part that Grandpappy Musk was a huge fan of).
-Unfortunately for Usha, there was literally not one single Greenlander who wanted to say hi to her - and this is true since reportedly every household in the 50,000-person country was personally asked and personally said NO.
-No worries - here comes Intern Funko to try to save the day!
-So, after first dropping a mucho-macho video of Vance firing a weapon and creepily calling the bullets "freedom seeds" (which is also a reference to some sort of outreach program run by Charlie Kirk's Turning Point USA indoctrination organization), the former Marine (he was a reporter - don't snicker!) donned a parka, got off the plane to an American base in Greenland, waived at literally nobody (something Daddy Trump also does) and endeared himself to the populace and fellow soldiers with the inspiring message "It's cold as shit here - nobody told me!"
-From there, he and Usha did their appearance, all meant to apparently convince Greenland that they really want to be part of America, and in a press conference Vance evoked many of Vladimir Putin's reasons lies he used to invade Crimea in 2014, asserting in a way only a pudgy identity-insecure man can, that Greenland would only be safe from Rusher and Chy-nuh if it became the 52nd state, or Puerto Rico with icicles, or a theoretical cheap Falkland Islands-like military stunt, or 'murkan!
-From there, the Vances disembarked and returned to the States, probably to try to craft a way to order donuts convincingly while retiring to the nearest love seat (pun excessively and deliberately intended), knowing that the intern did his work and Trump was then able to ravedribble about how American will "get Greenland," though it is unclear if that was meant using an Army or his wee tiny hands.
-We're going to call that caught up for the day. If you filled out your NCAA brackets and just went with the number one seeds, you are set up beautifully as the first two number ones, Florida and Duke, got to the Final Four yesterday (although it did take an 18-4 end-of-game run for Florida to come from behind to beat Texas Tech) - and the next two, Houston and Auburn, are on deck to get to San Antonio next week.
-ON TO THE DAY'S EVENTS!
-NEWS ON THIS DATE: In 240 BC, the object ultimately known as Haley's Comet was first observed and recorded by humans. In 1814, Napoleon was defeated by European forces in Paris. In 1856, the Crimean War formally ended. In 1867, William Seward completed the purchase of Alaska from Russia for 2 cents per acre, or $7.2 million. In 1967, The Beatles posed for the SGT. PEPPERS album cover. In 1981, Ronald Reagan survived an assassination attempt by John Hinkley. In 2001, it was revealed that Jack and Meg White of the White Stripes were not brother and sister.
-DEBUTS ON THIS DATE: A pencil with an attached eraser (1858), the 15th Amendment (1870), Batman (1939), JEOPARDY! (1964), BITCHES BREW (1970), Starbucks Coffee (1971), The Ramones (1974), CHARIOTS OF FIRE (1981).
-HAPPY BIRTHDAY: Jethro Tull (the real guy), Francisco Goya, Robert Bunsen, Vincent van Gogh, Sean O'Casey. Brooke Astor, Sol Siegel, Frankie Laine, Sonny Boy Williamson, McGeorge Bundy, Peter Marshall, Richard Dysart, John Astin, Warren Beatty, Jerry Lucas, Eric Clapton, Lene Lovich, Robbie Coltrane, Randy Vanwarmer, Paul Reiser, MC Hammer, Lomas Brown, Tracy Chapman, Celine Dion, Donna D'Errico, Secretariat, Norah Jones, Miss Fame, Sergio Ramos, and Richard Sherman.
-REST IN PEACE/POWER: Beau Brummell, James Cagney, Gary Morton, Queen Mother Queen Elizabeth, Alistair Cooke, Mitch Hedberg, Dith Pran, Herman Franks, Jaime Escalante, Bill Withers, Mark Russell, and today, Richard Chamberlain.
-FEED THE WORMS: Loudmouth commentator Piers Morgan entered Earth on this date. G. Gordon Liddy bought it on this date.
-Revolutionary record producer and probable murderer Phil Ramone passed on this date. You decide if he Rests in Peace or if he Feeds the Worms.
-CULTURE ON THIS DATE: The Number One Album in America on this date ... in 2025, MUSIC by Playboy Carti ... in 2015, EMPIRE: ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK FROM SEASON ONE ... in 2005, THE MASSACRE by 50 Cent ... in 1995, GREATEST HITS by Bruce Springsteen ... in 1985, NO JACKET REQUIRED by Phil Collins ... and in 1975, PHYSICAL GRAFFITI by Led Zeppelin.
-YOUR MUSICAL INTERLUDE: Released on this date in 1987.