DON’T GO TO WORK UNLESS IT’S FUN DAY UPDATES
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-Late last night, a filing from Special Prosecutor Jack Smith showed he has pretty much had it with The Only Judge Not Attacked By Ex-President Trump (R-apist) LXXXCIII, Aileen Cannon. In a specific pointed response to Cannon’s request that Smith ‘consider’ drafting jury instructions in connection with Trump’s classified document case, Smith used pointed legaleze to essentially answer “Aw HELL Nah!,” pointing out that her request is unorthodox, based on assuming that Trump’s argument that everything his wee tiny hands touches becomes his is utter horse pockey, that Trump did not even make that argument at the time the documents were removed and moved to Mar-a-Lago pool houses and stages and bathrooms, and that if Cannon doesn’t stop sniffing Trump’s Depends and calls the smell fresh roses, an appeal to the Eleventh Circuit Court will happen. (The above is a paraphrase.) Experts applaud Smith’s fury as long overdue, pointing out that there are over 70 unruled-upon rulings and motions in connection with this case, which makes the potential to start this trial before November 5 all but impossible even if a new Judge is assigned to the case (otherwise known as a Writ of Mandamus). Not surprisingly, the motion has been attacked by Trump legal goon Stephen Miller as “an attack” on Cannon (bite us and step in the sun, you jackal).
-Meanwhile, Trump is attempting to paper over his money woes in relation to his 2024 Presidential campaign, such as it is. The report of Biden having a record-breaking $26M event last week in New York is making Team Trump claim it will counter with an even bigger $33M event some time in the next few weeks at his Mar-a-Lago compound, while Trump representatives got Politico to run a story claiming it has raised $53M in March and now has around $90M cash on hand – though (a) no filings as of this time have been made to verify the figures, and (b) how much of any of these funds will actually go to the campaign vs. funding Trump legal bills (as newly minted RNC co-chair Lara “I Married The Younger Failson” Trump has promised) is clearly unknown. And amid all that, the stock offering of Trump’s failing Truth Central social media site continues to plunge – and if you want to have some fun, you can follow the “DJT” ticker symbol and watch the red line fall and fall and fall and fall, turning the offering into a penny stock if they’re lucky by the time the stock can be cashed out by Trump in September.
-The apparent failure of the Truth Social stock website to capture lots of desperately-needed cash has led Trump to a tried-and-true move by him: he is suing two of the co-founders of Truth Social, claiming they are not entitled to their shares because reasons. (FUN FACT: the co-founders of Truth Social are two former contestants of THE APPRENTICE, one of which was chewed out in a clip John Oliver rebroadcast last Sunday), apparently hoping the shares can be cornered so that another rich sugar daddy can rescue Trump by buying the shares from him (even if it winds up screwing any MAGAts or former APPRENTICE contestants in the process) (too bad for them, eh?).
-And THIS JUST IN: CNN reports two early investors in Truth Social have pled guilty to insider trading charges in Florida in connection with bringing Truth Social public. BECAUSE OF COURSE!!!
-Speaking of sugar daddies, if you are wondering how Trump came up with the $175M in bond he needed to come up with to stop New York Attorney General Tish James from seizing Trump property on Monday, the answer is … EXACTLY the kind of person you think it would be: skeevy, disreputatble, and possibly criminal. The company that posted the bond is Knight Specialty, and you will not be surprised to find out its primary business is subprime lending, specifically automobile lending – with the added sketchiness of being affiliated with an Internet banked called Axon, itself the center of funding to several failing Trump properties. And to top it all off, the CEO is a longtime 80-year-old Trump funder, a billionaire with the if-you-have-watched-SOUTH-PARK-you-will-snigger name of Don Hankey (HIII-DE-HO!) who touts himself as The King of Subprime Car Loans. OH – and Mr. Hankey has bought a ton of Truth Social stock too, because of COURSE he did, Hi-de-HO!
-Meanwhile, the Biden campaign, flush with actual money and smelling an opportunity, has all but staked their claim for putting Florida in play after that state’s Supreme Court first allowed one of the most restrictive abortion laws in the country to be put in place immediately (‘immediately’ meaning that in 30 days, women in that state will only have four weeks to attempt to get an abortion if they so chose) – but then also allowing a ballot initiative for November which would reverse that ban and enshrine abortion rights in the state (along with a second initiative that would legalize marijuana use).
-Now, it IS Florida, and it is under virtual Republican control and has voted for Trump in 2016 and 2020, and has simply ignored other ballot initiatives (most notably one that should have allowed one million former prisoners who have served their time to be able to vote again), BUT given the overperformance of Democrats in states that have brought abortion rights to the ballot and the one-two pro-abortion-abolition stance of the two Republicans that will be on top of the ballot – Trump and Rick Scott (SkeletoR), there is at least the potential for the RNC to have to spend money in that state to keep it Red – because make no mistake, if Trump were to lose FL, he would likely be looking at a landslide loss to Biden …
-Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu continues to receive furious condemnations the world over for his tepid apology (“It happens in war,” he said in a video statement) after Israeli forces shot hit three World Central Kitchen vehicles carrying desperately-needed food relief to Palestine, killing seven and halting all aid shipments to the besieged country for the time being. As WCK head Jose Andres labelled the attack “deliberate” (all had the WCK logo clearly on its roof, and while one of the seven volunteers killed was Palestinian, Israeli reports claiming HAMAS was using the convoy as cover remain uncorroborated), and Netanyahu’s response is continuing to alienate supporters from countries including Australia, England, and Poland – all of whom had nationals killed in the incident – and THIS JUST IN: the incident has reportedly led to a new call for elections in Israel in September.
-After that sad report, we should end on a moment of stupidity – and happily, the MAGA House members provided it, with a report that when Congress returns next Monday, one of its major priorities will be a bill to rename Dulles International Airport in Washington, DC in fealty to their Chosen Dear Leader Donald Trump. Given the inability of MAGAts to rename post offices in their own districts and the utter impossibility of such an action even being introduced in the Senate – not to mention an undoubtable veto from Biden – just marvel in the totally-not-a-cult-like actions of the Trumpers in the House.
-HI! DE! HO!!!
-On this date in 1922, Joseph Stalin assumed control of the Soviet Union. On this date in 1968, Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his “Mountaintop” speech (he would be assassinated the following day). On this date in 1996, Ted Kacysnski – aka “The Unabomber” – was arrested in his one-room hut in Montana. And on this date in 2011, the release of “Panama Papers” revealed many many secrets about the uber-rich.
-Debuts on this date: the Pony Express (1860), the Marshall Plan (1948), TV GUIDE (1953), PLANET OF THE APES (1968), cellular telephone calls (1973), the Sex Pistols (1976).
-Happy Birthday to Washington Irving, Dooley Wilson, Leslie Howard, George Jessel, Henry Luce, Sally Rand, Doris Day, Marlon Brando, Virgil Grissom, Earl Lloyd, Jennifer Paterson, Helmut Kohl, Jane Goodall, Jerry Krause, Petunia ‘Porky’ Pig, Jan Berry, Marsha Mason, Wayne Newton, Richard Manuel, Tony Orlando, Dee Murray, Lyle Alzado, Richard Thompson, Russ Francis, David Hyde Pierce, Eddie Murphy, Mike Ness, Pervis Ellison, Sebastian Bach, Ben Mendelsohn, Mellody Hobson, Picabo Street, Jennie Garth, Adam Scott, Thomas Hamilton, Cobie Smulders, Amanda Bynes, Rachel Bloom, Gabriel Jesus, and Paris Jackson.
-Rest in Peace/Rest in Power to Jesus Christ, Johannes Brahms, Richard D’Oyly Carte, Conrad Veidt, Kurt Weill, Warren Oates, Sarah Vaughan, Graham Greene, Pinky Lee, Betty Furness, Carl Stokes, Ron Brown, Rob Pilatus, Lionel Bart, Big Daddy Kinsey, Eddie Robinson, Ruth Prawer Jhabvala, Sarah Brady, Tom Dempsey, Gene Shue, and today, Christopher Durang.
-Feed the Worms: OG Political Machine Inventor Boss Tweed, proto-rightie Rep. Bob Dornan, and amphibian lying Brexit architect Nigel Farange entered Earth on this date. Jesse James and Bruno Hauptmann bought it on this date (and how!).
-Alec Baldwin was born on this date. You decide if he gets a Happy Birthday or if he Feeds the Worms.