DAY THREE OF THE MOST INTERMINABLE YET HYSTERICAL SPEAKER ELECTION IN AT LEAST A CENTURY*
*If non longer!
(Contemporaneously posted on Facebook, assembled in timeline order for your edification)
HOUSE CHAIR ELECTION DAY 3, and somehow appropriately, they don't have a quorum to begin what by all accounts will be Kevin McCarthy's 7th doomed attempt to become Speaker ... updates as they warrant as soon as everyone gets there ...
... They're here! And so is Round Seven ... John James (R-MI) is up for Team Kevin, an African-American who said "the man with the most votes will win!" (Um, for the first six rounds that was Hakeem Jeffries, my man) ... right side of history, stop 87,000 IRS agents from "picking your pockets" (um, they're there to audit tax cheats - and it's cute you think after this you or anyone wants to do, y'know, ANYthing) ... Oh, GOD - he claimed yesterday's two-vote win to adjourn as a VICTORY for the institution ... waiting to hear if James will mention McCarthy's most recent endorsement - from billionaire weirdo Elon Musk! ... first mention of Nancy Pelosi (DRINK!) ...
For Team Hakeem, don't fix what ain't broke - Pete Aguilar working on Hakeem's 7th straight win! My bet is Aguilar won't repeat what Hakeem said this morning: "Tip O'Neal got along with Ronald Reagan. Ted Kennedy got along with Orrin Hatch. Joe Biden got along with John McCain. All we are asking is House Republicans get along with each other." (He didn't.)
For Team MAGA, a shouty guy from NC named Dan Bishop: "HEAR ME CLEARLY!" (Dude, you're loud enough.) He's nominating that Byron Donalds guy and yammering about how Donalds would be the first black speaker (TAKE THAT, HAKEEM!) and then claims there's too much racist rhetoric (...?!?!) and is now attacking people that were at a meeting (oh, DARN, dirty GOP laundry getting aired out in public, munch munch munch munch munch) (and yes, my Big Bag of Popcorn is out!) ... Danny came to fix what's broken (which must explain that mallet and dynamite sticking out of his pockets) ... "How does this end? It's a dynamic process!" (True that - how many different ways can Kevin lose? Keep watching to find out!)
Voting begins - let the losing continue!
... and it will! Already six not-Kevin votes. Even though MSNBC is claiming there are side negotiations in rooms about something, perhaps McCarthy should heed the advice of The Nation's Elie Mystal, who suggests "ABC should offer (Kevin) his DANCING WITH THE STARS contract now, so he can leave this fight with dignity." Otherwise, in the words of The Bulwark's Charlie Sykes, we will continue to witness McCarthy's "self-geld" over and over ...
... there are two changes so far: Byron Donalds has not voted yet, and Matt Gaetz voted for Ex-President Trump on this round. Intrigue? ... Nope. Donalds voted for himself and, aside from Gaetz, the tally is the same: 212 Jeffries, 201 McCarthy, 19 Donalds, 1 Trump (LOSER!), and 1 "Present." One more coming?
HOUSE SPEAKER ELECTION ROUND EIGHT
-Please, sir, may we give Kevin McCarthy another loss? Why, yes, yes we can! Team Kevin gets Rep. Brian Mast (R-FL and Mr. Clean, man) to toss that hat back in the ring for more tattering ... "Kevin McCarthy is different!" (Yes, his capacity for self-loathing humiliation for outward empty power is quite different than other would-be Speakers!)
For a change-up, Minority Whip Rep. Katherine Clark (D-MA) is the speaker with the case for Jeffries: "212, 212, 212, 212, 212, 212, and 212 (aka W-W-W-W-W-W-W!)" And all the things Democrats did that all the Republicans said NO to (gun controls, cheaper insulin, reproductive rights, voting rights, green energy policy, women's equal pay, defending the Capitol from insurrectionists - you know the drill).
And for Team MAGA, Insurrectionist-Lover Rep. Andy Biggs (R-AZ) claiming America wanted a change (did they want THIS?!), demanding Biden go to the border (NEWS UPDATE: Biden WILL be going to the US-Mexican border as part of a trip to Mexico starting Sunday), insisting that what's going in isn't dysfunction (DO YOU GET IT, PEOPLE? THIS IS MAGA POLICY IN FULL BLOOM BY THEIR OWN ADMISSION!) and talking about how much Democrats are laughing at GOP dysfunction (damn straight!). "I know which side of the aisle will be laughing!" (Oh, Rep. Biggs, you delusional cocky goofball!) After all that screeching, he finally gets to nominating Donalds.
Off goes Vote Eight ... now Donalds has lost two votes (didn't catch who for - but not McCarthy!), and the Not-Kevin votes hit five again ... will eight be enough for Kevin? (I'll show myself the door.)
The two Not-Kevin and Not-Donalds votes were for a "Kevin Hern," a MAGA/Freedom Caucuser from OK who Lauren Boebert voted for because she got to say "Kevin" to make it seem like she'd vote for "McCarthy" only to say "Hern." Twelve-year-olds are rolling their eyes. (And yes, Gaetz again voted for Trump. Guess someone's REALLY hoping for a pardon for something should Trump get back in power ...)
HOUSE SPEAKER UPDATE: Number Nine ... Number Nine ... Number Nine ... and for Team Kevin: A member of the Freedom Caucus that's still Team Kevin, Rep. Troy Nehls (R-TX) addressing "the American People" (but really the Not-Kevin-20-or-so) to STOP, b/c since Pelosi wouldn't let people throw her out with one person but Kevin will, COME OOOONNNN!!!! (I may be paraphrasing.) Nehls said "We feel your pain!" (oh I don't think we feel Kevin's pain AT ALL - which is why he's in even more pain ...)
For Team Hakeem: Rep. Ted Lieu (D-CA), who was one of the first to pack popcorn when this all began. UNITED! Like when they passed the American Rescue Act, the Inflation Reduction Act, lowering insulin prices for seniors, you know - 212 United and Strong (ready to try to pick off 5-6 others maybe?).
For Team MAGA: a Matt Rosendale, R-MT, happy for the privilege to speak before the House. (And that's not to be sneezed at.) But the speech is kind of slow and claims there's no debate on the House anymore and that's why we're at where we are and that's a violation of equal representation and do I have more coffee for this because I'm both confused and drowsy - except now Rosendale is saying this is healthy? Um ... and now he's objecting to the unanimous consent motion because hundreds of millions of tax dollars that are voted on with two people on the Housezzzz... "And you, MAXINE!" and going "WHAAA - did I use a last name?!" when he got a reaction from the gallery ... dude's been going on longer than it even seems ... if McCarthy's strategy was to wear people down by endless votes it is now being stolen by this endless speech ... oh thank God I found my iPad to play some Candy Crush ... "I have a vision for this place!" (Does it involve coffee?) ... he got to Donalds, which signals that THANK GOD HE IS DONE!
WAIT - now Lauren Boebert throws a FOURTH name into the pot: Rep. Kevin Hern of Oklahoma as a compromise candidate that can get the votes! She's promising to be short and claiming the eight previous votes are not chaotic, and if we are in a world where LAUREN FREAKING BOEBERT is a Power-Broker?! ... Boebert is forwarding Hern as not being part of the power structure and "came from rags to riches like myself" (yeah, but there are creepy rumors about how YOU got that money Boebs - just ask Ted Cruz) (yep) (EW, right?)
Well, at least this makes McCarthy's ninth loss a bit more interesting. The voting begins ...
McCarthy loses, of course - but will either Donalds or Hern get more than 20? The answer: nope. 212-201-17-3-1. This is now the longest House election by votes taken since the Civil War era - and make no mistake, Team Hate the Gubmint is happier than at any time since 1/6/2021 …
CORRECTION: McCarthy got 200. He lost a vote.
SPEAKER UPDATE: Oh, Lordy, ROUND TEN! MSNBC isn’t even pretending - they are blowing off the nominating speech and just chatting. Can’t win, can’t go into recess. Is this Hell? (DON’T ANSWER THAT!)
For the record, Ron Ciscomani of AZ is nominating McCarthy. For trenchant analysis, TNT is currently showing JOKER …
Applause, so he’s done. Pete Aguilar is back for Team Hakeem.
FL’s Rep. Some Brunette nominates Donalds and promises Democrats they will NEVER, EEEVER, hold the gavel with a GOP House! (She ended before finding out who she was. CNN never found it.)
And the Boebs is back nominating this Herd Hern Herb dude. Whoever.
At least vote ten is starting fast. Small relief. Same results.
SPEAKER VOTING UPDATE: it’s Loser-palooza as Team McCarthy barrels forward into Vote Eleven (and the fifth today)! Didn’t recognize the Team Kevin speaker but impeachment II manager Rep. Joe Neguse (CO) nominates for Team Hakeem, evoking Friday’s anniversary of the failed January 6 insurrection.
And here comes Matt “Hey Girl!” Gaetz to nominate ... I am not kidding … DONALD TRUMP for House Speaker! (And he’s doing it surrounded by empty seats, which is just … (chef’s kiss!)) Gaetz now goes after Kevin McCarthy, calling him “a squatter.” Phew.
A dude from VA - Rep. Bob Good (it’s who he is and what he does) applauds the activities of the evening and demands applause for his platitude. Waiting for Rep. Good to get near a name, which is what he’s supposed to be doing … this as CNN admits this latest vote is happening because Team Kevin does not have the votes to adjourn … crisis of spending ... crisis of indoctrination in colleges … crisis of borders - GET TO A NAME, MAN, I HAVE A DOG TO WALK … earn the House to win the Senate and the White House (you betcha) … we need a leader for the next two years … WHO ARE YOU NOMINATING?????????? … he’s nominating this Kevin Hern dude.
Rep. Donalds was not nominated, so it’s McCarthy v Jeffries v Trump v Hern on Round 11, and now I can walk my dog …
… dog walked, seven not-Kevin votes in. - so he has lost - and so far, ZERO votes for Trump …
… 15 votes for not-Kevin, one Trump vote, and reports of McCarthy desperately trying to cut a deal tonight, as family issues that Kevinites have to deal with outside of DC are threatening lowering the threshold enough that it could give Hakeem Jeffries a window to actually win … and still no votes to adjourn (now you know why Democrats are just fine to keep voting!) …
BREAKING UPDATE: Punch Bowl News reports that allies of Kevin McCarthy have reached a "tentative agreement" with opponents of his Speakership that they believe should get enough voters to give him the House gavel - and that voting will continue throughout the evening. (They also report, however, that if the agreement does not get 15 recalcitrant MAGAts to vote tonight, McCarthy's candidacy will be, in their words, "further endangered."
... or not. A vote is about to be taken to adjourn for tonight ...
... and we are adjourned for the evening! TUNE IN TOMORROW when Kevin McCarthy enters his own unique version of “The Dozens” (unless the deal-making being reported actually works, har har har) …